Elusive Clarity

It is no secret that my story has been impacted by alcohol. I have long felt like a vessel trying to navigate the murky seas of existence, attempting to reach landfall on the shores of reason and sanity. Besieged by self imposed ideals of what I should aspire to in life, I sat paralyzed, adrift and rudderless, and afraid to move forward.

At first, booze was my great savior. Its warmth coursed through my veins and by bathing in its glow, I was insolated from the fierce realities which we all must face. Eventually, the warmth of drink diminished, and it only served to feed the tempest which was brewing inside of me. As a result, I forfeited my dreams in favor self serving lies which carried me to the depths of despair.

Two years ago today, after many attempts to give up the drink, I finally put it aside for what I hope is the last time. Unfortunately, putting aside the bottle proved to be the easy part, as the same uncertainty and fears which had paralyzed me before remained embedded deep inside of me. Slowly, however, old tools began to surface which have helped me gain a loose grip on reality. A sense of adventure, long dormant, was sparked by my friend Jon, and pryed me out of a safe place in order to pursue experiences of the like that I would have only dreamed of a few years ago. I am astounded that as I sit in the saddle of my bike, with the countryside slowly ambling by, my mind occasionally puts aside its doubts and fears and becomes emtpy, filled with only a clarity for the present moment. These moments are fleeting, but striving towards grasping them is a goal that I am happy to have.

Through it all, though, I am reminded constantly how amazing the people are who surround me. My loving girlfriend supported me when I felt that I was broken and there was no hope for the future, my friends stood behind me and counseled me, and my family gave me their love when I needed it most. Without these people in my life, I have no doubt that I would have failed, and to them, I am eternally grateful.

-Erik